I Don’t Understand March 20, 2008

I  DON’T  UNDERSTAND

The fire was Sunday, today is Thursday, but all I want to do is cry

My depression and all these feelings I have, I don’t understand why

I’m scared to sleep, I don’t want to eat, my whole body shakes with fear

I shudder every time I hear a siren, and wonder if it’s coming here

The fire has done something to me, something I can’t explain

There’s a fullness, an aching, a hurting, a much unwanted pain

I don’t understand the sadness, the anger, the pain or the fear

The emptiness and simultaneous fullness, the wanting to cry no matter where

I don’t understand the change in me, I was always the one to say we should “forgive”.

Now I find myself unable, up to my own preaching and advice to live

All of this makes me feel like I’m going crazy, just absolutely losing my mind

So how can people still like me, let alone be nice or kind?

How can I change what’s going on, when I’m too scared to even sleep?

How can I help myself do anything or my sanity even keep?

I’ve really gotten paranoid now, especially against the smell of smoke

Little signals go off in me, and I feel like I’m going to choke

Now people can see what smoking with oxygen can partially do

Any other resident that does it should be given notice to move

The fire has done something to me, something I can’t explain

There’s a fullness, an aching, a hurting, a much unwanted pain

I’m scared to sleep, I don’t want to eat, my whole body shakes with fear

I shudder every time I hear a siren, and wonder if it’s coming here

Bonnie Jean

March 20, 2008

The fire was on Sunday March 16, 2008.

It was in apartment #1213 and I live in apartment #1011.

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